We all have one. I have one. Today I hit it.
I felt sorry for myself. I felt angry. I felt sad. I simply felt.
I’ll let you in on a secret….a large part of my survival strategy is not feeling.
When Faith is screaming, hitting, melting down, I can’t feel. I need to deal with the immediacy that is happening. All of me needs to focus on her and bringing her back from the edge. If I allow myself the luxury of feeling, I won’t be able to help her.
I have learned how to turn “me” off. Usually it involves reciting prayers.
Yes, you read that right.
Today, as Faith was building to the meltdown, beginning to hyper-focus on a small detail, I tried to find my “place”. My neutral. My zone.
I couldn’t. Luckily my other super-power is the ability to cry silently.
I managed to get her refocused, calmed down, and settled on the couch with her iPad. I asked Jimmy to please come into the room and sit with her for a few minutes.
…..then I went and sobbed, hard, in the shower. The kind of sobs that rack your whole body, leave you with a red face and a headache for the rest of the day. The kind of sobbing that breaks blood vessels on your face. The ugly kind.
I wondered why. What had I done in my life to cause this? Why couldn’t I fix it? Why did I feel so incredibly alone? Why?
I don’t know.
But when I felt there could not possibly be another tear in me, I realized…..
I don’t need to know. It’s not my place to know why. To fix this.
My place is to be here and just do the best I can every day.
Even those days that involve sobbing in the shower.